I Will Never Be Good Enough
I will never be good enough. This is something I struggle with quite often. The thing is, it’s not just that I feel like I will never be good enough for other people, I feel like I will never be good enough for myself.
Growing up, I always had pretty high expectations for myself. If I couldn’t draw something, I pushed myself harder. If I couldn’t sing a note, I’d practice until I could reach it. If I couldn’t play a piano song, I would practice for hours until I was able to be faster than that time signature. I always pushed myself, for myself.
Now, I still push myself and I still have high expectations of myself, but I will never reach them. This has been something sitting on the back of my mind for a bit now but yesterday made me truly realize that not matter how much I push myself… I will never be good enough.
4 years ago I worked at a job for ADT security systems. When I got the job, I was told I would NOT be walking door to door. I was very afraid of being rejected. I don’t mind being rejected online, through e-mails, etc. Being rejected to my face is very very difficult for me. I got the job and was lied to from the start. They did mention that there would be “some” door to door talking. It was literally the only part of the job… door to door.
They talked to me about the money I could potentially make if I really pushed myself and was a “go getter”. The thing is, I saw that it could happen. I saw my other coworkers make a good bit of money, but myself… could not.
I’m such a person that believes in when someone doesn’t want something… DON’T PUSH IT. I hate making people feel uncomfortable, upset, or anything that would make them distrust me… hate me. I’ve had doors slammed in my face before I could even talk, the cops called on me, and someone literally cuss at me as soon as they opened the door. It was very difficult for me until one day, 3 months later, I quit on the spot.
For my new job right now, apparently the company itself can not do it’s own marketing so we have to go out and do it for them. From my understanding… I’m a photographer and not a marketer. I didn’t go to school for marketing and I don’t enjoy it… at all. I went out reluctantly because yet again… I don’t want people to be mad at me and I seriously hate being difficult or causing a scene.
The first place I went to was alright. I walked in, roamed around for a bit trying to calm myself down and get myself out of my anxiety attack. I finally found a worker and talked to them. She was so sweet and genuinely seemed interested. Whether it was just to be polite or whatever her reasoning was… thank you.
The next place I went to, I didn’t get so lucky. I walked in, the place was absolutely crowded and busy. I found an employee that was literally doing nothing and I walked up and showed her our offers for their employees (it was free…I wasn’t trying to sell anything… at all…). She gave me this disgusted look, scoffed at me, and told me “We don’t do that here! That’s solicitation and you can’t do that here!” I apologized and told her I wasn’t trying to sell anything and that it was an offer for all the employees in the area. It didn’t matter, she still acted like a huge bitch.
I rolled my eyes and walked away and as I was leaving I could still hear her being absolutely ridiculous. I left the store and kind of shut down…it reminded me of when I was working door to door and how crazy people would be. Then it truly hit me. As much as I push myself out of my comfort zone, I absolutely can NOT be a sales person. If someone walks up to me and asks me about things, I can up-sale pretty well. If I have to go out of my way to walk up to people and try to convince them as to why they should buy or do something… I’m out of luck.
People say that you need to just keep going and push yourself and eventually you’ll become comfortable. That’s not true. It didn’t matter how much I tried, it always ended the same. Me feeling like someone hated me, my confidence super low, and having an anxiety attack.
This isn’t just with sales either. I feel this way about a lot of things. I try my best to push my photography and everything else I love doing but in the end I feel like I’m getting nowhere. Even though I’ve always done my work for myself, I still want to be successful and I don’t feel like I am.
Without sounding whiny, I just want to go away. I really and truly just want to disappear and never return. Depression is a bitch. One day you’re okay, the next… it has you on the edge of a cliff telling you to jump because the harder you fall the quicker it’d be.