30 Oct A Lie in Every Truth
“A single lie discovered is enough to create doubt in every truth expressed.”
I have been struggling a lot lately with finding certain people to be truly genuine. It eats away at me and I know it’s not healthy to hold onto people who make me feel this way, but I also see this as a character flaw within myself where I need to change my perspective of things. What is it deep down inside of me that makes me feel so ugly towards certain people? Is it jealousy? Am I not doing enough for other people? What is the true purpose of these feelings?
A while ago I met someone online. They were absolutely wonderful and they could do no wrong. When I finally met them in person, it was like I was seeing someone else. I’m not talking about learning new things about them but I’m talking about learning that they’re not as good of a person as they display online. We all have our off days and flaws, of course, but something was different. The promotion of bullying was sprinkled within kind words, actions were way louder than any word spoken, and I felt a pain in my heart. I don’t put people on pedestals but I do expect people to be who they display to the world. Someone told me that social media is mostly a lie because people only post what they want everyone to see. This is so true. Nobody speaks of the bad days and when they do it’s labeled as being over dramatic or it makes people too uncomfortable. For me, good and bad days are apart of everyone’s life and should be as equally displayed but not everyone is open about those things. It’s taken me a really long time to understand that some people are just very private. I’m not.
I eventually removed them out of my life but every now and then I will see something pop up. I see them doing amazing and kind things but I can’t trust it. I can’t trust someone who has lied and has done the opposite of what they say they stand for so many times. Do we slip up and mess up? Most certainly. I’m not so callous that I can’t understand basic human error. What makes me feel this way is the flaunting of their kindness, how they can’t be kind without announcing it, and how everything is turned into a huge thing about how they are kind. I find more love in the people who are kind without having to always talk about it. I hate feeling this way because kindness should be celebrated. I feel so ugly inside because of these thoughts but I can’t stop them. I try every day to be proactive in being a kinder person in my mind. I feel like I’ve done a really good job but sometimes I feel like I accidentally feed the hate.
Writing here and getting this out of my head helps a lot. My website is my safe space for me to open up and I think as long as I continue to try to push the negative thoughts out, I can conquer it one day at a time. I guess I should look at everything in this perspective: Even if they’re just doing it to safe face and to look like they’re a great person, they’re still doing great things for others and isn’t that all that matters in the end anyways? Being kind and helping one another? As long as I keep this mindset, I feel like the darkness will slowly fade from my thoughts.