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Breaking Point

Breaking Point

I’ve had many rough years in past and I strive to be very active in making better choices, being the person I want to be, and to make my life better. Sometimes I notice things going on really quickly and others it take time for me to get the hint. 2020 has been a mix of me seeing things, ignoring them, and then I finally got to a breaking point.

I am not one to really judge other people on their opinions on things. I think if they want to believe something a certain way, that’s their right. I don’t butt in or try to push my personal belief system on them at all. What does bother me is when people are just plain nasty over things that really shouldn’t have a debate in the first place. Public safety, basic human rights, and child protection should not ever be debated – in my opinion.

This year actually started out pretty decent for me. I had exhibitions to prepare for, a lot of events and speaking engagements I was apart of, and many more plans. Just like everyone else, all my plans were cancelled in a matter of 2 months. An extreme amount of money was lost because of this. Not money I was spending but money I was going to be taking in as income. This didn’t necessarily hurt me but it was a huge bummer for the grand scale of my future plans.

When the virus hit, which people joked all year in 2019 about it potentially happening (because there has been a global pandemic every 100 years), it turned everything upside down. This even included a bigger divide between people. We all know those people who are hardcore mask wearers, the people who don’t believe in masks or the pandemic, and those who are convinced that everyone is being prepped for some sort of mind control.

I’m somewhere closer towards the mask wearing side. I wear a mask in public placed, keep my distance, and do my part. There are definitely things I could improve on but that’s not the point. What happened was instead of everyone agreeing that we should take care of everyone as a whole, everyone is on sides and fighting. This was the first step in 2020 breaking me. I was feeling myself being angry all the time. Angry that people weren’t taking this seriously, angry that there are lies being spread, and angry that there was nothing I could do to help it.

I have family members who are 100% in disbelief over the pandemic. They refuse to wear a mask anywhere and make a huge scene over it. The “I have asthma.” or ” It’s hard to breathe.” card is played. I have no doubt that some of the masks do make it hard to breathe. I have all different versions of the masks and some are more difficult than others. The general masks that are provided to the public are not the ones hard to breathe in, though. That’s a discussion for another time and you’re welcome to not believe that.

So here I am already dealing with ignorance from all sides of the spectrum, losing respect for people I once looked up to, and changing my perspective on certain things after being informed. Then here comes police brutality, black deaths, riots, and more. I sat there and fought for that as well. I educated myself, others, tried to donate where it was needed or helping out when I could, and in general fought for what I believe in. I can’t understand why there was so many debates over human rights. Black people’s lives matter and it blows my mind that this is still not understood in 2020.

Actually, not all black lives matter equally to the general public. I’ve seen people praise Beyonce but call a black girl walking past them as ratchet. It’s almost like black people who are celebrities are exempt from hatred. Though I know this isn’t true, I’ve just seen some people treat celebs differently compared to people who are not famous or wealthy. All of this weighed deeply on my heart. I cried so much over the mistreatment of black people.

I also looked deep into my heart and soul and noticed things that I wasn’t even aware of that I was doing. In general, I get along with everyone of everyone skin color. I always have and I’ve never judged them or I thought I never judged them. While I outwardly was kind and pleasant, I realized some of my thoughts were unkind. This is true for a lot of things with me, though. I am, by nature, a really mean person in my head. I don’t try to be but the thoughts of extremely intrusive and I have conversations with myself all the time on why what I just thought was bad.

I think it’s really good for people to understand that having thoughts does not make you a bad person and I felt guilty for years for my thoughts. Where did most of these even come from? What makes a person truly kind is if they can tell those thoughts that they’re wrong and then do the right thing. I always try to do that. I actively try to be a better person – always. Am I always good? Not at all. I slip up, say mean things, do mean things, and sometimes not even feel bad about them in the moment. I’m human and full of flaws that I am always working on.

What got me this year was the whole selling children in cabinet thing. I’m very aware of how companies over price something until it is back in stock. If you’re using a site like Etsy or anything to that nature, it costs money and time to relist things after they’re out of stock. So if you’re a brand or company using another site as a place to sell your product, you’re going to try and save as much money as possible. This means taking something worth $200 and pricing it as $13,000.

Doing this will make it not show up first or even close to first on search results and will also deter people from buying an out of stock item. While this isn’t general public knowledge, I can see why it appears to be suspicious. I too was taken aback by the entire thing. I know how evil people can be and I also know just how creative and clever evil people can be. They can hide whatever they want in plane daylight and make it seem like a completely normal thing.

America has a huge human trafficking problem and I have no doubt some of this stuff is going on to some degree. Child abuse is a very sensitive topic for me and I jump and defend very quickly the rights of a child. Did I jump on the thought of it all being real? Yeah. That doesn’t mean I want it to be real. I don’t want that at all. I hope it’s not but if it is then I hope it is taken care of. So we have people on both sides with this as well. The people who are being called crazy and then the other people who are bullying instead of informing.

I think a lot of my problem with the internet and social media in general is that people are so quick to say someone is stupid without backing up why they think that. An ignorant person will never learn and grow if you do not provide them with proper truthful information. Is it your job to inform people? To a certain degree, yes. If you’re putting out claims on someone being an idiot, then you should back up why and explain why they’re wrong. Ignorant people do not know they are such and therefore probably do not even know where to look up the truth.

It’s like people don’t even understand what true constructive criticism is. Instead they just lash out and call each other names and then nothing gets resolved in the end. There is a truth and an explanation to everything and if you present these truths and someone still refuses to accept them, then that’s on them. Don’t waste your breathe any longer because it’s not going to do anything in the end.

One of my absolute favorite quotes of all time is, “Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference”. I keep this motto in the back of my mind anytime I start to get in an argument. Basically, what I believe it to mean to me, arguing with someone who refuses to accept the truth is a waste of time. This ins’t what made me decide to deactivate my Facebook account, though.

I have been on the internet and social media for an extremely long time – 2/3 of my life actually. I was on the aol and yahoo chats, xanga, myspace, animetribe, domo, second life, gaia online, etc. I’ve been on that stuff since I was 11. I know how people are and how they like to hide behind their screens and act high and mighty. Act like they know more all while googling to prove someone wrong when they don’t even know the truth. But also just pure bullying.

That’s what drew the line for me. I’ve experienced bullying a lot growing up. On social media and off. I know it very well and I’ll admit that I’ve done it as well. I’m not impervious to anger and jealousy but I’ve been as active in not being that way as possible over the last 8 years. We all know the story about a bad apple of a friend I had back in 2011-2012. She pretended to be my friend, used me, and was extremely toxic in many ways. I will never stop telling that cautionary tale because it is very important for people to understand that friendships can be toxic as well.

I’ve worked very hard over the last 8 years to get over my trauma with that friendship. I worked really hard to recognize the potentially bullying to others I can fall to and then not do it. I worked really damn hard to be kind, compassionate, and positive. I am an extremely pessimistic person by nature. I am the first person to bring someone down from their cloud 9 and try to get them to see what’s going on or could happen. I don’t believe in letting people live a life of ignorance is bliss.

I just can’t deal with the constant fighting and bullying that social media has come to now. I mean, it’s always been that way and I’ve made very wise choices over the years to eliminate as much stress as possible, but it’s still there. Even from the brightest star of all my friends. I just want to have deep and meaningful conversations with people without them snapping and calling names. I want to create community where people can strive to be better and uplift one another. Provide facts and respect other’s opinions and beliefs.

That world will never exist and yesterday made me realize it. I was spiraling into a pit of absolute rage, fear, and darkness. I want my world to be beautiful and full of happiness. My whole life had been so full of hurt and when I get to a really good point in my life, I can’t take when people are just cruel. It breaks me. It makes me feel weak and scared. I get pulled right back instantly to 2010-2013 all over again and it’s like I can’t breathe.

I don’t want that for myself, so stepping away… for the first time since I was 11 from social media… seems like the choice I need to help my soul. My mind and soul needs time to be away. “Moderation is key!” I actually do not spend that much time on social media. I go on a few times a day, post a few times a day, and maybe like or comment on the first thing that pops up on my news feed. I don’t even scroll anymore. I barely post on Instagram and I don’t have other social media platforms. A part of me feels very disconnected in a good way and another part makes me feel like I’m invisible. I guess it doesn’t matter. I hardly talk to anyone on there anyways. Nobody really messages me first and when I do message them… they’re short or don’t carry a conversation. It’s a weird feeling for sure.

I just want to go outside, lay in the grass, and fall asleep but never wake up.

3 Comments
  • Gallagher Green
    Posted at 02:45h, 17 July Reply

    I can deeply relate to this post.

  • Anna Bruce
    Posted at 18:00h, 18 July Reply

    Thank you for sharing yourself so openly. 2020 has definitely broken a lot of us <3 Sending you a huge hug.

    • Samantha
      Posted at 18:09h, 18 July Reply

      Thanks, Anna! It has most definitely been a different type of year. One I don’t believe anyone was ready for. I thought 2019 tore it but it was just the introduction. I hope things calm down soon and people can have some peaceful minds. We could all use a little chill in our lives right now.

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