I will always be human-first.

29 Apr I will always be human-first.

  I will always be human-first. When you put yourself out there… when you put your heart, thoughts, and soul out in public… you’re never truly prepared for the response.
The response of people not agreeing with you. The response of someone stealing your work because of the attention you get. The backlash
of you being upset over things too. We’re all human. I’m human. I get upset and sad. It’s important for people to stop being blind to these
emotions and allow them to happen. To stop worrying if someone else will be disappointed just because you’re not always in a good mood.
Nobody is in a good mood constantly.

A few years ago I went through a pretty heart breaking friendship. I couldn’t understand why this person was treating me hatefully. In the end it turned
out to be jealousy but at the time I didn’t know. I went to work and tried to keep my emotions back.I separate my job from my home life
and one day I just couldn’t. I broke down and cried in front of my manager… and she talked to me. What she said I will never forget… I’m not sure she
even knows just how much these words have stayed with me…”You’re human first.” I’ve kept those words deep in my heart. Not to use them as a crutch
or an excuse, but to use them as a reminder that I’m not perfect and I can’t be.

It’s impossible to make people happy all the time like I wish. I’m not always
pretty. I’m not always nice. I try to be friendly, caring, and loving… but really I’m selfish.

I’m human first and being human means having all of these crazy emotions. Love. Hate. Grief. Jealousy. Anger. Happiness. Joy. Sadness. Unfortunately
we mostly can not control these. Based on who you are as a person, some emotions come more frequently than others. For me, I’m sad. I will admit that I
am mostly sad. I constantly have a pit of despair, like this feeling won’t go away. It’s miserable being trapped in your own emotions. I feel everything to
the extreme. I’m generally not kind of happy or kind of sad.Being really happy or really sad is the way it goes. I feel so deeply and sometimes that is a good thing. I can
help others…

I always get asked what my biggest inspiration is for my art and I always say it’s myself. I can’t really create unless I have an emotional connection with
what I’m doing. I used to create just because I could, but it’s become so much more than that for me. I will admit, I’m generally can’t create when I’m happy.
So, when I’m happy… you won’t see good work from me. The whole tortured soul thing always made me giggle, but in actuality… that’s me. I constantly
wonder what I’m here for. Am I doing any good? Am I a waste of space? Do I help anyone else?

I often go off to myself and try not to cry. Do I have anything to cry over? No. Absolutely not and I know this. I just feel… sad. Maybe it’s a chemical imbalance.
Maybe I’m crazy. I’m not sure, but I am sure that I feel sadness – too often. It comes and goes. The longest streak was 4 years. But, the last year has been
great but I’m starting to feel myself slipping back into my sadness. I truly thought this was going to be it. I was done dealing with depression and that I was
finally recovering and being happy. I guess not. I try not to put too much thought into some of these things, but it’s invasive.

Not wanting to wake up in the mornings. Not being able to go to sleep at nights. No motivation for anything really… I just want to lay here, cry, and wither away.
The term suicidal is very touchy because I don’t consider myself suicidal, but I do have suicidal thoughts. I think often what it would be like if I wasn’t here.
What my family would be like. If by me not being here anymore… would it help someone else? I often think that people hate me because I am here.

The very thought of me thinking these things and how they may disappoint someone upsets me. Being a good example for others and possibly
even help someone that needs it is what I love. I’m not unstable or anything, so I hope anything I say does not give that impression.

I have awful relationships with females. I try hard to be liked by them but it’s like I have a repellent personality. In the end I always get stabbed in the
back. It’s been that way my whole life. It’s so odd putting these thoughts out there because for so long I’ve kept them to myself. I thought that since I already
have enough issues with people, why should I add issues like this to the plate and have them talking about me even more? I always feel like people are
looking at me specifically when I walk in a room. They’re judging me. Saying I’m ugly, my hair is gross, or what I’m wearing is stupid. I’m fat.
I get such anxiety just thinking about it.

“Message to Myself” 08.10.2015

I had one of my dreams come true recently. A solo gallery exhibition. It’s literally been something I have worked
hard for my entire life. Yes, my whole life. Art has been my life. It’s also what keeps me here. During the exhibition I had
no crutches. My fiance was in the car watching our dogs while I was in this room, with my soul on the walls, by myself and
watching people come in and talk about my work for 3 hours. Not just my work. They were talking about my heart, my
thoughts, and my entity.

When people said something positive, my entire body blushed with thankfulness that someone
loved my soul. When someone was negative, I felt myself sink. Not that I couldn’t take the critique, but that my experiences
to them was “stupid” or laughable. It breaks my heart. I just want to walk up to them and tell them
that they’re laughing at an image that represents my scars, my battles, and my life.

The logical side of me understands that not everyone will see an image like I do. Some people get so wrapped up in technicalities
that they forget that art is open for all sorts of interpretations. The other part of me wants to hide. Take the anxiety away of
having to deal with these things. It’s a constant struggle with trying to make connections with other artists.

I find myself being more comfortable and talking with males than females. I feel with females that I’m being judged. You may think that it’s just a personal
problem that I need to get over, but when you’ve been treated a certain way your whole life… it’s hard to reprogram your thinking.
I have severe trust issues. I don’t like drama, I don’t care much about confrontation, and I do like to talk things out and resolve them,
which doesn’t seem like a thing many other people like doing.

I just want to be rid of my own thoughts. My own opinions. My own feelings. I don’t want to sound ungrateful for anything. I’m very thankful
for many things. I’m thankful for my job, my passion, my car, fiance, my two puppies (Hazel and Bonnie), my house, my talent, my love,
my family, and everything else. I truly am thankful. Something you have to understand with people who are fighting what I’m fighting is that
there isn’t a cure. Only finding ways to distract and deal with it.

I am human first.