30 Jan I Will Never Be Good Enough
I will never be good enough. This is something I struggle with quite often. The thing is, it’s not just that I feel like I will never be good enough for other people, I feel like I will never be good enough for myself.
Growing up, I always had pretty high expectations for myself. If I couldn’t draw something, I pushed myself harder. If I couldn’t sing a note, I’d practice until I could reach it. If I couldn’t play a piano song, I would practice for hours until I was able to be faster than that time signature. I always pushed myself, for myself.
Now, I still push myself and I still have high expectations of myself, but I will never reach them. This has been something sitting on the back of my mind for a bit now but yesterday made me truly realize that not matter how much I push myself… I will never be good enough.
4 years ago I worked at a job for ADT security systems. When I got the job, I was told I would NOT be walking door to door. I was very afraid of being rejected. I don’t mind being rejected online, through e-mails, etc. Being rejected to my face is very very difficult for me. I got the job and was lied to from the start. They did mention that there would be “some” door to door talking. It was literally the only part of the job… door to door.
They talked to me about the money I could potentially make if I really pushed myself and was a “go getter”. The thing is, I saw that it could happen. I saw my other coworkers make a good bit of money, but myself… could not.
I’m such a person that believes in when someone doesn’t want something… DON’T PUSH IT. I hate making people feel uncomfortable, upset, or anything that would make them distrust me… hate me. I’ve had doors slammed in my face before I could even talk, the cops called on me, and someone literally cuss at me as soon as they opened the door. It was very difficult for me until one day, 3 months later, I quit on the spot.
For my new job right now, apparently the company itself can not do it’s own marketing so we have to go out and do it for them. From my understanding… I’m a photographer and not a marketer. I didn’t go to school for marketing and I don’t enjoy it… at all. I went out reluctantly because yet again… I don’t want people to be mad at me and I seriously hate being difficult or causing a scene.
The first place I went to was alright. I walked in, roamed around for a bit trying to calm myself down and get myself out of my anxiety attack. I finally found a worker and talked to them. She was so sweet and genuinely seemed interested. Whether it was just to be polite or whatever her reasoning was… thank you.
The next place I went to, I didn’t get so lucky. I walked in, the place was absolutely crowded and busy. I found an employee that was literally doing nothing and I walked up and showed her our offers for their employees (it was free…I wasn’t trying to sell anything… at all…). She gave me this disgusted look, scoffed at me, and told me “We don’t do that here! That’s solicitation and you can’t do that here!” I apologized and told her I wasn’t trying to sell anything and that it was an offer for all the employees in the area. It didn’t matter, she still acted like a huge bitch.
I rolled my eyes and walked away and as I was leaving I could still hear her being absolutely ridiculous. I left the store and kind of shut down…it reminded me of when I was working door to door and how crazy people would be. Then it truly hit me. As much as I push myself out of my comfort zone, I absolutely can NOT be a sales person. If someone walks up to me and asks me about things, I can up-sale pretty well. If I have to go out of my way to walk up to people and try to convince them as to why they should buy or do something… I’m out of luck.
People say that you need to just keep going and push yourself and eventually you’ll become comfortable. That’s not true. It didn’t matter how much I tried, it always ended the same. Me feeling like someone hated me, my confidence super low, and having an anxiety attack.
This isn’t just with sales either. I feel this way about a lot of things. I try my best to push my photography and everything else I love doing but in the end I feel like I’m getting nowhere. Even though I’ve always done my work for myself, I still want to be successful and I don’t feel like I am.
Without sounding whiny, I just want to go away. I really and truly just want to disappear and never return. Depression is a bitch. One day you’re okay, the next… it has you on the edge of a cliff telling you to jump because the harder you fall the quicker it’d be.
Bianca
Posted at 13:53h, 30 JanuaryHi Samantha, I love your work! I did a business degree at university and I still hate selling. I was once offered a full time job in sales and turned it down, they didn’t even give me an interview. In the job I have now there is some selling but its not like what you have experienced. I guess it really helps though when you know the product and actually enjoy the product itself because its really easy to talk about. So you just end up thinking they are weird and it’s their loss they don’t want it and it will go to someone more deserving. One night I had two people look at the Sam Smith album and I convinced them both to buy it, mentioned some of the promo on TV, how much I enjoyed his music etc. However, I could not do what you do especially selling security systems and the like. I hope your new job improves and you find a way through it.
Anonymous
Posted at 17:41h, 30 JanuarySamantha,
I’ve been there. In fact, I’m often there. It’s a cyclical process. Feeling like you’re doing okay, but then getting hit in the face with a booming voice shouting, “YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH.” It’s a defeating and halting instance. Everything around you falls apart, all your progress and hard work seems meaningless and unnecessary. Then, apathy cups hands with depression and leads you into dark days.
But for once… Let’s challenge that booming voice. Call it out for its choice of words. “Enough”. What is enough? As humans, our greatest strength often becomes our greatest weakness. Our constant drive to be better. Look at all the good it’s brought about: modern medical advancements, the new age of technology, recyclable goods, to name a few. But at the same time, most everyone has struggled with depression at some point or another, and many of those feelings derive from the upbringing of “onward and upward”, “strive for excellence”, “be better than the best”. It’s an impossible goal of happiness.
Happiness is relative. The quicker one learns this, the happier one will be. That is not to say, you should not try at things… In fact, try your best at everything. But understand, YOUR BEST IS GOOD ENOUGH! Learn to love what you bring to the table. For instance, your art. You pour your deepest feelings and emotions into your art, and it is evident. People, myself included, are able to look at your art and relate to it. To identify feelings within ourselves that we are unable to articulate. You bring about an acceptance and confrontation of our deepest emotions. And that, Samantha, is a beautiful gift.
Please, understand, this predisposed view of being good enough is not your mind fighting against you. It’s the way you were conditioned (religious background, societal expectations, etc.). It’s the way most of us are. But our generation is finally bringing about an age of acceptance. And that is something to rejoice in! Embrace yourself. Love yourself. Accept who you are, and be proud that the world would be a different place for many without you.
Here’s me sending good vibes your way, and encouraging you to remember Eleanor Roosevelt’s words, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Wise lady.
Samantha
Posted at 18:33h, 04 FebruaryThank you so much for that. You wrote in as anonymous but I know who you are and you’re wise beyond your age. I’ve always admired your tenderness and affection for other people. It’s strange having my old school mates read some of this stuff because it’s been a battle my whole life and I’ve never really hid it but I always tried to stay happy. I’ve come to a point where I don’t feel pity for myself but I allow myself to process everything and I always try my very best to be transparent with everyone because finding people who are transparent have always helped me so much more than those who hide behind their computers and tell the world they’re okay when they’re not. Not saying everyone has to put their dirt laundry on the internet or this or that, but saying that it’s okay to be imperfect. It’s okay to have issues and talk about them. I can’t afford a therapist and even if I could, what would I say? Saying what I write out loud sounds so whiny and depressing to me. So I don’t say it, I write it and get it out of me and try to move on.
I’ve always tried to express everything in one photograph, but sometimes there is so much more there that can’t be explained. I’m coming around to understand that my best is good enough and I’m also coming around to knowing that I’ll never be good at everything. It won’t stop me from trying but I take great pride in everything I do, when someone comes along and knocks me down it’s a huge hit that can be difficult for me to get up from. Eventually I do.
Thank you for being the strong and beautiful person you are! <3
Samantha
Posted at 18:37h, 04 FebruaryThe thing about the security system job I used to have, I did truly believe in it. We used the same system and have had it work great for us. It boiled down to people’s attitudes. I think that no matter what mood you’re in, you should always try your best to be nice to everyone because you never know what they’re going through. There have been days where I’ve just been absolutely in the dumps and someone will say something sweet to me or smile and it turns my day around. I try my best to do that for everyone I come in contact with. A little smile goes along way.
Even if I believe strongly in the product and it’s easy for me to talk about, I’m not someone to push things on people. If someone says no, I take it as that and leave it. It will just never be something I will be good at lol *shrugs* I still try but I never improve much lol!