Ill Minds - SleepingAwakePhoto
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Ill Minds

Image Title:"Dream's Edge"

Ill Minds

I thought I’d give a little update on my life. Things have been a lot better, mentally wise. I didn’t have anything wrong with my home life or really even my work life, but mentally I was struggling. One thing I’ve learned with my depression is that I can’t win during that time of darkness. I try hard to stay positive during an episode. I practice smiling, even. No matter what I would do to try and uplift my spirits, it just wouldn’t get me there. So, I just had to deal with it.

I’m very fortunate to of been able to come out of it a lot sooner than my last episode. If you haven’t kept up with my blog much, I had a horrible depression period from 2010 to the beginning of 2015. I’ve experienced some lonely times and even times of sorrow, but never anything like I experienced those 5 years. Five long years of mental torture. While I was in the middle of being lost, I was actually finding myself.

During those years, I found so many things about myself that I didn’t know previously. I always knew I didn’t care much for dishonest people, but I really found out how much I can safely say I hate dishonest people. Hate is a very strong word and that’s just how I feel about it. I also found that it’s okay to have opinions that differ from others and I don’t need another person’s approval. I don’t have to be liked by everyone, Frankly, it’s impossible and a bit narcissistic to believe everyone would like me. I’m such a nonchalant person, though. I don’t care about fighting and I truly wish people would just be open and accepting of other’s minds, religions, tastes, etc. Sadly, not everyone is. That’s something I’m still coming to terms with and still struggle with letting it upset me.

I’ve always been a pretty honest person but I found myself becoming more and more honest and a bit less sympathetic for being that way. People need to hear the truth and if it’s a bit hard, that’s just something they need. Now, I’m not going around and being a horrible person, but I don’t sugar coat things. I properly choose my words and make sure they’re being as loving as possible.

Back on topic, it was about a month of depression this time. That’s amazing in my opinion! It was a long and hard month, but I realized so many things about friendships. I continue to always learn new things about people and myself. The other day I hung out with an old friend, who knew me right before my depression took it’s toll, and we talked about how I used to be compared to who I am now. I’m a bit meaner than I was, but I think that’s just me being more forward with what I say and being unapologetic for it. I’m not as indecisive like I used to be. I think being 17 was a hard time for me because I knew certain things I wanted, but I also had so much more to experience and these last 8 years have taught me more than I ever thought!

I’ve experienced loss, rejection, pain, but I’ve also traveled more, met amazing people, became a part of an amazing art community, etc. While the hardships definitely outweigh the good things, I think the good things win over the hardships because they were such amazing memories. Recently, though, has been really good. I’ve only mentioned this on my personal page, but I’ve been swimming a lot lately. I always swim a lot but I’ve decided to finally make one of my dreams a reality by becoming a Mermaid! Now, before you think I’m seriously loony, which I kind of am… I’ve always wanted to be a Mermaid since I was a child. I’ve taken the jump into making my very own professional silicone mermaid tail! I’m super excited and I’ve been working a lot on it. Sadly, it takes a lot of time and money which I have neither of but it’s coming along! I’m hoping to be finished with it by the end of September or October!

A few goals for myself for next year are to become diving certified and to get married. I know… marriage as a goal? Well, I am engaged and we’ve just become more and more okay with having a small wedding. At first we wanted a huge wedding for our family and friends, but the more we think about it… the more we realize how much of a money waster weddings truly are. Even the cheaper ones are a bit pricey. We like to live within or below our means as much as possible. My fiance is Costa Rican but he was born in the US, so he will be going back to Costa Rica soon to get his duo citizenship. Once he does that, I will become one as well after we’re married. I’m super excited for that and I absolutely can not wait! These are just 3 simple goals I’ve set for myself for next year already.

Right now, as I’m typing this, I’m currently taking a bit of a break from decluttering my life. It’s a long 6 month process that I’ve started a few months ago but it’s something that needed to happen. We don’t have a crazy amount of things like some people do, but we have enough to make us feel overwhelmed in our own house. With that, We’ve cleared out over half of our clothes, shredded 9 trash bags full of outdated or unneeded papers, let go of objects that meant a lot to us but were taking up too much space, etc. Getting rid of so many things all at once was extremely hard but very rewarding in the end. I feel happier in my home and a bit cleaner, too. I’ve found myself cleaning all the time but it always still felt crowded. I’m so very thankful to be able to breathe again. We still have a bit to go, but it’s looking better and better each time we sit down to get rid of things.

That’s all for now folks! I’ll probably post another update on things after we move. Yes, we’re moving yet again. The place we’re at now is very nice and we love it… but it’s 45 minutes from work and really expensive. We have a hard time trying to save up money and calculated up to 21 days a year worth of driving just to work. We waste so much money on rent and gas just for driving to work! We’ve decided to move closer! This time it’s 10 minutes from work, 10 minutes from the beach, $100 cheaper on rent, and we could bike everywhere if we truly needed. It’s right across from everything we’d ever need like grocery stores, clothing stores, shopping centers, movie theatre, etc. I’m so very excited and I’m very happy to be in a better mental state as well.

It’s been a really long and hard road for me and I’ve been doing it all on my own. I can’t afford a therapist and I don’t want to take crazy medications (no pun, but I’ll take it!). I think that’s what truly keeps me going with my art… it’s always been there as a coping tool for me and ya know what?! It’s worked for me and I hope by seeing my work, everyone will see that they too can heal through art.

P.S. The title for this blog is a hint for something 😉

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