Self-Destruction

08 Jan Self-Destruction

Within my journey of depression, the number one thing that leads me into self-destruction is feeling dead inside. That feeling of being lost and completely empty. Not truly understanding why I feel like I’m going in no direction. It is like I am here but not at the same time. A while ago I started sketching a few ideas out. I often immediately sketch when I get an idea. Nothing overly detailed, just something that is detailed enough to where I know what I wanted to say. A lot of the times I will be in the middle of something and only have enough time to draw stick figures and other times I can sit down and really draw out the idea I’m envisioning.

Sometimes the image evolves over time. Maybe I have the basic idea down but it doesn’t feel complete yet. That’s how this image was for me. It went from an idea that was possibly more positive towards something that is more on the negative side. My favorite thing to do with my work is to hide dark stories in beautiful images. It’s like my mind is telling myself that these experiences and feelings are not forever and that I can change something ugly into something beautiful – no matter the circumstances.

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A mauve Carnation symbolizes dreams. Often my anxiety and depression can get in the way of those things I want most. The whole purpose of this image is to depict the dreams I have deep within growing and coming to fruition. But here I am, destroying my dreams and holding myself back from truly flourishing. It’s never fun going through self-destruction and I often do not even realize it is happening until it’s way too deep. A very common one for me is procrastination. My anxiety builds up and tells me that I have so much to do and I essentially shut down and just do not do anything at all. My mind races and feels like it’s in a giant knot.

Something that has been helping me a lot is to keep a schedule and a bullet list/journal. It’s not for everyone but not checking off my points I need to complete for the day really irritates me. Generally, I’ll get it done. If my anxiety is especially high, I won’t even look at the check list as I’ll be overwhelmed with the fact that it even exists. I have to take one day at a time, very slowly. If a wrench is thrown into my schedule, I sometimes can not adapt. Now, it’s different with work. I can always adapt well within my work life but my personal life is difficult. It’s like I need a manager in my own life telling me what to do. I know, those are called parents… but you get what I mean.

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I’m very excited to create this new surreal series. I think it’s something I’ve needed to get off of my mind for a while now. I’ve noticed a shift in my work a bit and I’m never upset with this. I just let it take it’s course and go with the flow. I’ve found that if I stress myself out by trying to create like how I used to create that I get anxious and do not do anything at all. I try to not focus on being better than my last image but to respect the image I’ve created within the present. I’m just taking my time and letting it flow.

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