Stressful Decomposition

11 Nov Stressful Decomposition

Sometimes when I create images, they don’t always speak to me right off. I usually have a solid plan when I go out to photograph, but then there are times where I know I won’t see certain models for long periods of time so I try to photograph as much as possible with them. This was one of those images.

When I created this image it was purely because the area spoke to me. I didn’t know exactly why when I photographed this but I knew it would speak to me eventually. I pretty much completed this image as soon as I returned from the Promoting Passion Convention, but I never posted it. I left it. Tonight, I returned and it transformed right before me.

Recently I’ve been going through a lot. A lot of amazing things have happened but along with that a lot of cruddy things have taken place also. The amazing things include flying on a plane for the first time, having an amazing trip to PPC, I got to stay in a castle for a week, I used my passport for the first time and flew to another country for the first time, I swam in fresh clear water (Cenotes of Mexico) for the first time, I saw white sand and clear ocean water for the first time, I hugged so many people for the first time, and the biggest thing is I taught a workshop for the first time.

All of those things have been such huge triumphs for me, but there is always a dark side to everything. After PPC, we were evacuated for a hurricane for a week. When we returned we went to Mexico a few days later and the exchange stand at the Miami airport ripped us off $50 worth of pesos. I got stung for the first time on one of the beaches in Mexico (by a crazy hybrid bee between my toes). I came back from Mexico and had to take my mom’s dog to the vet because her ear flap swelled up like a balloon (the ear flap filled with blood because of an ear infection). The most horrible thing though… is my job.

It’s been no secret that I have been unhappy with my job. Not really the job itself, but the way certain things are handled there. The constant unnecessary drama created by adults just drives me insane. I won’t say I have been completely mature in some situations because I haven’t. I’m human and sometimes my emotions get to me. When you keep your mouth shut about things for so long it begins to eat at you. It begins to take over your entire body until there is nothing left.

I came back from Mexico only to have my boss come in and completely change our schedule (I told them I would work for them under the rule that I have weekends off for Wedding Photography). Not just me working weekends now, they also cut my hours dramatically. I’m not looking at this as a bad thing really but more so a huge blow to me. Here are these people telling me that we’re friends and I know way more about their personal life than I’d like and then all of a sudden they attack us and then cut our hours.

I think the worse thing is the fact that the string of words “this is inconvenient for us” keeps getting said over and over again. I’m the type of person that usually treats people with kindness, but when they step on me so much… I crack and pieces of my kindness begin to flake off.

For over a year my bosses have put themselves and their family before everyone else in multiple ways. My fiance and myself telling them that we’re moving (our of the area) is definitely not an easy thing for us or them. Yeah they’re losing employees, but that’s the nature of the business… people aren’t always going to work for you. What really gets me is the fact that they fail to see their selfishness. This blog isn’t about bashing them or making them look bad. That’s not what I intend at all, but I’m writing as this is my story and I always keep open no matter what.

To keep this as short as possible, I’m in a situation where if something isn’t convenient for them then we’re horrible people that only think of ourselves. What it boils down to is that we have rearranged so many things in our lives just for their business only to get crapped on in the end. It came down to me sticking up for myself the other day and telling them that I’m done changing my plans just because it’s “inconvenient” for them. My life doesn’t revolve around them and their family.

My fiance and myself needs to be with our family right now. There are a lot of things going on that our family needs to heal from and needs our support. I care about everyone deeply but I just can’t change my life for others anymore. That may sound selfish just in that one sentence but I just can’t do it anymore. I’ve done it my entire life and I’m sick of it. I’m sick of always being taken advantage of because being so giving is my personality.

I’m ready for this move and to do new things for our future. I’m ready to be with family and friends again. People who actually care and aren’t just using us to accommodate their life choices. Although it’s been a super stressful week (with me getting a nasty sinus infection and randomly starting my period from the stress) I can see the silver lining and I won’t allow anyone to take it away from me. I can’t always please everyone and it sucks that I can’t, but I can’t be unhappy in my life just so others can use me.

“Decompose” 2016