06 Jul Tension
One of the hardest things I go through with anxiety is the tension I place on myself. I often feel like I need to be perfect in everything I do. When I set my mind to something, I try my absolute best to be great at it. When my skill level lacks, I get really anxious. I should be better than this… I have high expectations of myself and I often project those feelings onto other people as them having the same towards me.
My image, Tension, feels that way to me. This fake mask of “I’m okay, this is fine.” that I often wear, when inside I’m screaming. My husband is really one of the only people I very openly allow to see the meltdown side of me. I feel ashamed and embarrassed when I get overwhelmed. I’m an adult and should be able to control my emotions better – that’s what I think. In reality, I have very little control and everything around me feels like chaos.
Over the last year or so, if I remember and my phone is near by, I have been taking photos of myself when I’m having an anxiety/panic attack. It’s been a way for me to ground myself and come out of these feelings quicker. I’m actually surprised at how quickly I calm down when doing this.
Tension is one of those photos that came to me in pieces and then fell together right before the shoot. I had this planned over a year ago and it just didn’t feel like good timing. I try my best to listen to that gut instinct because it has always turned out way better to listen to it than not. There are multiple times I’ve tried to push shoots and they just turn out awful.
There was one shoot I really wanted to come together. The model was the perfect look for what I was going for but she was too tall for the prop. We tried our best to squish her into the prop and it was just not coming together. I felt so bad for getting everything together only for it to not turn out at all in the end. I felt like a failure and that this would never turn out how I want it to.
Luckily, I ended up getting a model that was everything and more for the shoot. It really showed me that waiting is worth it and trying to force different elements that do not want to go together will never be the answer. It’s teaching me to slow down and enjoy the process instead of pushing it. By doing this, I’ve improved in many areas of my life. I’m not necessarily and impatient person but I just get so excited about certain things that it makes it hard for me to just be in the moment.
I still work every single day to relieve this tension caused by my anxiety. I have good accomplished days and then I equally have crash and burn days. Focusing on the main goals helps tremendously.