22 Jan The Crucifixion of One’s Mind
When I first started to share my life online, I think I was about 13 years old. I found solace in poetry, writing lyrics, writing stories, drawing, piano, and photography. All of these were full of my thoughts, heart, and soul. At first it was mainly shared with strangers. I found more comfort in being anonymous and talking to people who truly didn’t know me. It made me feel like I wasn’t being judged. Over time, I started to share these same things with people who knew me. My friends and soon my family.
I went to a private Christian school and while there were some great people who were chill, there were also a lot of people who were highly judgmental of anything and everything. The thing about sharing things about yourself openly is that people get uncomfortable. People get uncomfortable very quickly and when people are in a position where they feel like this, it can turn into hostility. The most common things that would be said to me were, “Why are you airing out your dirty laundry?”, “Why would you ever talk about this? It’s private.”, “Think of your future. Speaking of these things can ruin your reputation.”
I would always have mixed emotions when people would talk to me like this. A part of me felt very shameful and people would use my experiences or thoughts against me. Another part of me was angry. I would be angry at someone for putting me down and I’d typically just tell them I didn’t care. The thing is, I do care. Things should not be hush hush just because it makes someone feel uncomfortable. Things like rape, murder, gender mistreatment, racism, etc. should be spoken about – openly. Why should I keep quiet about my experiences when someone else out there may be going through the same thing.
I’ve ran into a couple of people who, by being open about their lives, have helped me in so many way unintentionally. My passion is to make everyone feel included and not alone. I’ve spent well over half of my life feeling ostracized and alone. I can’t sleep at night knowing someone else could or does feel that way. It’s something I believe everyone should work towards… to be kinder and more giving.
Over the years I have lost many people in my life based on them getting second hand embarrassment from how open I am. It’s not like I’m inappropriate or can not understand when something is the right timing. I’m actually hyper sensitive to social cues. So much so that I have a lot of social anxiety from it all. Being overly conscious about my surroundings and how people act can bring up anxiety in anyone but I have that gift.
I think everyone needs to be a bit more open. I feel like if people understood themselves a bit more that they would be less inclined to hurt others.