20 Mar Lazaretto
If you’ve been following my blogs or work last year then you know 2019 was really bad for me. Actually, it seems like it wasn’t too kind to many people. I looked forward to 2020 like it was a fresh start and I’d be leaving all of the stress and worries behind in 2019. I didn’t even know how wrong I was about to be.
For over ten years, I have had multiple issues going on health wise. I always dismissed them and just figured that I was having an off day, week… month. In October, 2019, I started having some extreme lower back pain. I’ve had it off and on over the years but never anything like this. It was so bad that I couldn’t sit, stand, or lay down without being in excruciating pain. I didn’t pull anything, fracture anything, or do anything that would cause this pain.
I ended up putting myself on and off bed rest for almost 4 months. Towards the end of the 4 months, I brought up my concerns to my chiropractor and doctor. I wasn’t really prepared for what they were about to tell me and right now I’m still going through being monitored. Right now, I won’t say much of what’s been going on or what everything is about but just know that it all makes since with everything I’ve went through in my life.
2012-present, I have always looked back and wonder if the healthier version of myself would ever return; If I’ll ever have a day without pain, without exhaustion, and without worry. I constantly look back on things I might have done to cause any of this and I can’t find an actual reason but then again nothing just gives this to me… it’s what I was born like. As a child, I was very sickly. I always had ear infections, allergies, and in general poor health. I was very active and strong but that really doesn’t matter when your body is attacking itself.
Lazaretto is an image I’ve had in mind for a couple of years now and I never really went through with it. A huge part of me thought I was just being dramatic and that the story doesn’t connect with me so I shouldn’t do it. The thing is, it does connect with me. This story is me. Two versions of myself. The healthy me being contained and the ill me longing for that life again. I know that I’ll never have that life back and I think that’s what make it so hard for me. I can only do things that will help prevent certain symptoms but life with restrictions doesn’t feel like living at all.