SleepingAwakePhoto - Blog - Lazaretto
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Image title: "Lazaretto"


If you’ve been following my blogs or work last year then you know 2019 was really bad for me. Actually, it seems like it wasn’t too kind to many people. I looked forward to 2020 like it was a fresh start and I’d be leaving all of the stress and worries behind in 2019. I didn’t even know how wrong I was about to be.

For over ten years, I have had multiple issues going on health wise. I always dismissed them and just figured that I was having an off day, week… month. In October, 2019, I started having some extreme lower back pain. I’ve had it off and on over the years but never anything like this. It was so bad that I couldn’t sit, stand, or lay down without being in excruciating pain. I didn’t pull anything, fracture anything, or do anything that would cause this pain.

I ended up putting myself on and off bed rest for almost 4 months. Towards the end of the 4 months, I brought up my concerns to my chiropractor and doctor. I wasn’t really prepared for what they were about to tell me and right now I’m still going through being monitored. Right now, I won’t say much of what’s been going on or what everything is about but just know that it all makes since with everything I’ve went through in my life.

2012-present, I have always looked back and wonder if the healthier version of myself would ever return; If I’ll ever have a day without pain, without exhaustion, and without worry. I constantly look back on things I might have done to cause any of this and I can’t find an actual reason but then again nothing just gives this to me… it’s what I was born like. As a child, I was very sickly. I always had ear infections, allergies, and in general poor health. I was very active and strong but that really doesn’t matter when your body is attacking itself.

Lazaretto is an image I’ve had in mind for a couple of years now and I never really went through with it. A huge part of me thought I was just being dramatic and that the story doesn’t connect with me so I shouldn’t do it. The thing is, it does connect with me. This story is me. Two versions of myself. The healthy me being contained and the ill me longing for that life again. I know that I’ll never have that life back and I think that’s what make it so hard for me. I can only do things that will help prevent certain symptoms but life with restrictions doesn’t feel like living at all.

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