Weary - SleepingAwakePhoto
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Weary

Image Title: "Weary"

Weary

I’ve dealt with extreme fatigue the majority of my life. Being chronically weary is one of the most frustrating things to experience. There would be days where I’d go to bed super early thinking I just didn’t get enough sleep. When that didn’t work, I’d exercise more or would do more during the day to hopefully make me sleepy enough that I would be forced to sleep deeply. Not exercising enough or getting proper sleep isn’t always the reason for state of being.

I always knew I had encountered heavy emotions at a young age but it didn’t really hit me until I was about 13. That’s when I started to notice true changes. It went from being sad every now and then to being in a perpetual state of feeling empty. There were days where I didn’t want to get out of bed and days where I felt like I couldn’t leave the bed at all.

Then the days that I could get out, I felt like a zombie and like I couldn’t keep up during the day. A large reason for this was because of my sleeping disorders, so I’d say my case was a bit different. The Sleep Paralysis and Insomnia didn’t help and I’d say my depression and anxiety about things grew more because of my sleeping disorders. This is common for people who have issues with their sleep.

What does this feeling feel like?

Depression dulls your ambitions and sense of responsibility. It’s like nothing truly matters anymore and all you can feel is nothing. What’s the point of getting out of bed when you can’t find a joyous reason to leave? People who are not familiar with this feeling often say that they’re just being lazy. Being lazy and being depressed look nothing alike but do have similar behavioral appearances. Things like not bathing, not cleaning after oneself, and lazing around the house.

People who are lazy enjoy doing nothing. People who are depressed grow anxiety at the fact that they haven’t done anything all day. In fact, I’d say the largest feeling I get when I’m depressed is not sadness but anxiety. I feel anxious that I haven’t accomplished anything, anxious that I’ve laid in bed for as long as I did, but no motivation to actually get up. It’s like I’m held down by force but that force is all mental.

Sometimes getting out of your head is a lot harder than it sounds. I hope nobody has to deal with this feeling but I sadly know that there are people who do. If there is anything I can relate more to, it is feeling like you have nothing to be sad about but you’re still sad and find no joy in your successes.

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